What's My Name?

No, really, what's my name?

Am I Susie Wilkening?

Or am I Mrs. Jeremy Wilkening?

Or, if addressing both of us, are we Mr. & Mrs. Jeremy Wilkening?

I can personally tell you that, unless you are my childhood piano teacher, if you address me in any way, shape, or form as Mrs. Jeremy Wilkening, well, your letter (or e-mail), perhaps even the one asking us to renew our membership, is going in the garbage.

The thing is, I am me.  Susie.  And I feel that my identity is erased when I am reduced to (yes, reduced to) Mrs. Jeremy Wilkening.  Much as I love my husband, we are not the same person, and I am not his subordinate.

Turns out, I am not alone.  A number of women who responded to our latest national study of museum-going households have a similar mindset.  And they feel SO strongly about it that it has shown up a number of times, completely unsolicited, in the written-in comments in the survey.  For example: 

• I was disappointed that I was reduced to Mrs. xx xxx. I specifically wrote my name, paid etc. It is very disrespectful.

True, this is largely a generational issue.  My grandmother was definitely, 100%, Mrs. Roe Westfall.  And she took great pride in this.   Many older women today (and probably some younger ones, too) continue to identify themselves in a similar manner.  And that is OK.  That is their right.

But times have changed, and the role of women, both public and private, has changed.  Our names have changed as well.

My suggestion?  Use the name(s) as written on that membership form (or typed into the website).  Especially since, when it comes to membership and donations, the majority of the time it is a woman making the decision, writing that check, or pulling out that credit card.  Because, and trust me on this, the alternative will likely yield some P.O.'d women out there . . . our names matter.

- Susie

Comments

[Jennifer Caleshu, Bay Area Discovery Museum]

Oh yes yes yes. I kept my last name. We gave our children my husband's last name as their middle name, and my last name as their last name. We're way out in the minority on that one - most women I know who kept their name give their children their husband's last name. The only person who gets to call me Mrs. David Adams is my 92-year-old grandmother (and even then I roll my eyes strenuously). As a result of all of this, my husband will probably end up assumed to be Mr. Caleshu for our children's school careers...

At the museum, we recently went through a big IT software headache trying to integrate our front desk software (vista) with our membership software (raiser's edge). Vista refused to import our RE records where there were two different last names on the account. Evidently the software designers assumed all membership households would be under one single last name!

[Laura Roberts]

I'm with Jennifer although I haven't had to confront what to name kids. And I annoys me no end that software programs don't recognize two names in one household... even my Palm Address Book, where I have to type spouses into the "company" field. And I bet they can't deal well with gay or lesbian couples either.

The only thing I will say that bugs me about the "write it the way they do" compromise is the inconsistencies on the donor lists... it just offends my editorial sensibilities to see...

Ms. Ann Blank and Mr. Charles Doe
Edward Fisher and George Henry
Mr. and Mrs. Ichabod Josephs
Kate and Larry Most

... as if there were no style sheet. But I guess I need to get over it.

[Jennifer Caleshu, Bay Area Discovery Museum]

We're kind of rabid on the naming style sheet for donors - we alpha by female last name, if there are two last names. If it's a same gender household, we alpha by the last name of the most connected member (i.e. board member by his last name then his partner's name).

[Megan]

I think that both society and software are going to have to get used to households with two last names. Not only are more heterosexual couples not unifying their last name (in either direction), but the increase in legalization of same-sex marriage will definitely up the number.

Since I'm not (yet?) married, it isn't much of an issue for me - the days of having to write in "Ms." instead of "Miss" are pretty much gune.

[Rhonda Newton]

I called our public library to politely suggest that if its software couldn't handle different last names, they look at who signed the check! I was annoyed to see us listed under solely my husband's name when I'm the one who make donation decisions and writes the checks.

[Melissa]

As a single woman, I have to fight my annoyance when a visitor or program participant addresses me in an e-mail as Mrs.

If you don't know, don't assume. Ms. was invented precisely for that situation! Really wish Ms., as a marriage neutral option, would overtake Mrs. as the default.

[Christi Pemberton]

Oh..get a grip! I would not take offense to something that small and can be easily corrected. I do take offense over "real problems" when it comes to women's rights, such as women in other parts of the world who do not have equal access to education...have any of us experienced that problem? If we did, then the fuss over married names would be nothing but a poof in the air.

If you are that peeved by being called by your husband's name, then just politely tell the museum to refer you as Mrs (your name) and (last name/married name). If it gets you that riled up, then you don't know how to deal with real problems. Also, if it makes you that perturbed on how you will be referred to by name...even though you will be called a Mrs. (husbands name) or Mrs. (your name and husband's last name) as a cordial expression and a respect for your marriage...then, don't get married...just stay single and be called by your single name or whatever.

I understand women's lib, but we try way too hard to make a statement, instead of doing "real" things to make a difference for women's rights...like making sure that women all over the world has access to good education. So how about we as "real" women do something that will actually help other women to get equal education in the schools and make "real" change. If you have a good marriage and a stable life..be thankful..there are many women who would love to be called 'Mrs" whatever because they have a man who treats them like gold.

By the way, I am a business owner, former museum curator, and independent...and regardless of if I am called Ms/Mrs/Miss whatever....people know very well who I am. Confidence is beautiful thing.

Christi

[Jennifer Caleshu, Bay Area Discovery Museum]

Christi, I'm not sure why not using my name and calling me Mrs. MyName HusbandsName demonstrates "respect for my marriage" - I'd rather have the respect be for me, using my name, rather than assuming I've taken my husband's name. And while people who know me may know my name, regardless of what they call me, I'd prefer the institutions that I deal with, who don't know me personally, not to make assumptions about me, especially when my marital status isn't particularly relevant to the conversation.

To get back to the research, I believe I've read (though can't cite, anybody know?) research that shows that changing behavior is the way to changing thoughts and feelings. So while it may seem a small matter, changing the default language position to refer to women as Ms. rather than as Mrs. may actual change feelings that women are to be defined only in relation to their marital status. You will note that there is no corresponding male marital status signifier - it's Mr. or nothing.